Benny Sits Up for Animal Rights at Debate

October 3, 2008

Even though Manx Party vice-presidential catidate Benny couldn’t physically stand as tall as the two humans, nevertheless the little, furry, black contender stood up for the rights of animals at Thursday night’s debate.

Decrying the lack of concern for the rights of animals, Benny especially tore into Pawlin’s record of supporting airplane hunts, and her carelessness towards the creatures that inhabit Alaska.

“Pawlin is good with the sound bites, but her regard for our noble beast friends is almost non-existent”, said a spokesperson for the Douglas-Benny catpaign.

After the debate, Democat Senator Bitin said he shares Benny’s feelings, and will work to restore animal rights if he becomes vice-president.


The Douglas Debate

September 26, 2008


As Senators McCairn Terrier and Obamanx arrived at the University of Mississippi this evening for their first presidential debate, they were surprised to find Manx Party presidential catidate Douglas, ready for action. “We know that historically, candidates named Douglas perform well in debates, so naturally we wanted Douglas to participate,” said his catpaign manager.

The senators and Douglas, moderated by Jim Lehrer, answered questions about the economy and foreign policy, and the audience agreed not to applaud, cheer, or open any cans of Meow Mix Wholesome Goodness cat food. Part of the transcript follows:

Lehrer: “Mr. Douglas, what is your opinion on the current financial crisis?”

Douglas: “Eck.”

Lehrer: “Mr. Douglas, would you like to comment on whether or not the United States should intervene in Cuba?”

Douglas: “Eck.”

McCairn Terrier: “Come on, this is ridiculous. I’m not going to debate this black cat. He’s soft on spending, he’s soft on Communism, he’s soft on”

Obamanx: “Pss, pss, pss, Douglas, want some marshmallows?”

McCairn Terrier: “That’s not fair! Obamanx is influencing the catidate! I knew I shouldn’t have showed up! Shoot him, Sarah!”

Obamanx, now joined by Douglas at his podium: “Who’s a good boy? Yes, we eat out of cans! Can you catch the marshmallow?”

Lehrer: “Thank you, everyone. Good night, and may the best black cat win!”

Douglas-Benny: “Pause for Paws”

September 16, 2008

Repub-lick-can Sarah Pawlin is an advocate of hunting animals from an airplane.  Today, the Douglas-Benny Manx Party ticket launches “Pause for Paws”. Take a moment out of your day to think about the barbaric, inhumane practice of shooting defenseless wolves and other creatures from the air, for sport. Support Douglas for President, and Benny for Vice-President. Together, they will put an end to the cruelty.

Benny Thoroughly “Veted”

September 2, 2008

Unlike Sarah Pawlin, vice-presidential nominee of the Repub-lick-can Party, Manx Party VP choice Benny has been thoroughly and completely veted. By a team of veterinarians.

While Pawlin’s record and credentials apparently were not checked sufficiently by the McCairn-Terrier campaign, Benny’s have been exhaustively researched by animal hospital vets, in both Michigan and Illinois, who are experts at this sort of thing. 

The Douglas-Benny ticket’s thoroughness is an example of how they will govern. We urge everyone to join the catpaign today!

Benny Welcomes Palin

August 30, 2008

Yesterday, the Repub-lick-can presumptive nominee, John McCairn-Terrier, appointed Sarah Pawlin to be his vice president. I welcome Ms. Pawlin to this important race. However, her ideas for leading our country are as wrong as can be, as are McCairn’s. More tax breaks for the rich, a continuation of the misguided war in Iraq, and cur-tailment of women’s rights are just a few examples of Repub-lick-can warmed-over leftovers that should have been thrown out years ago.

But in particular I want to draw attention to Pawlin’s dangerous, backward views towards our planet’s animal world. Her positions can be summed up in the photo below. An avid member and advocate of the National Rifle Association, Ms. Pawlin hunts, shoots and kills our beloved, beautiful moose and bear friends, and then uses them for food or—worse—for furniture.

We cannot let even more of our wildlife and wilderness be destroyed by such cruelty. Please join our Douglas-Benny catpaign today, and make our world a better place—a place that is safe for all living creatures to live and grow. Thank you.

Douglas and Benny: We Know Where We Live

August 21, 2008

Manx Party presidential catidates Douglas and Benny had to sniff when John McCairn Terrier didn’t know how many homes he had. ” ‘I’m not sure, I’ll have to check with my staff,’ said McCairn Terrier. So they asked his staff and he said, ‘At least four.’ ”

“Douglas and Benny know where they live. They only have one home, with their owners, who take good care of them,” said a Douglas spokesperson. “But just a few years ago, Benny didn’t have a home at all. He lived outside and slept in a different place every night, until some kind people in Michigan helped him. Douglas and Benny want every cat to have just one home, and urge you to adopt a cat from your local shelter today. And Vote Manx!”

The catidates are resting up before the whole world’s watching the Manx Party Convention, scheduled for CelticFest weekend in September at the Chicago Hilton and Towers.

Happy Birthday, Douglas!

July 10, 2008

The Douglas-Benny catpaign today celebrated presidential catidate Douglas’ 14th birthday. Douglas was presented with a very large birthday cake made entirely out of marshmallows—his favorite treat.

All of Douglas’ mateys were there to join in the festivities, including VP catidate Benny. Benny ate a small bit of the cake, but then was later seen in the corner of the room eating a beef sandwich.

Also present was Douglas’ human catpaign manager, Becky. On this special day, Becky let Douglas bite as much as he wanted to, as long as it wasn’t her arm.