Happy Birthday, Douglas!

The Douglas-Benny catpaign today celebrated presidential catidate Douglas’ 14th birthday. Douglas was presented with a very large birthday cake made entirely out of marshmallows—his favorite treat.

All of Douglas’ mateys were there to join in the festivities, including VP catidate Benny. Benny ate a small bit of the cake, but then was later seen in the corner of the room eating a beef sandwich.

Also present was Douglas’ human catpaign manager, Becky. On this special day, Becky let Douglas bite as much as he wanted to, as long as it wasn’t her arm.

Benny has a beef with Taste

Benny

Vice-Presidential catidate Benny greeted hungry voters during a catpaign appearance at the annual Taste of Chicago over the 4th of July weekend.

Through a spokeshuman, Benny said that he “knows Americans were hungry for change, but that they are also just plain hungry! So—where’s the beef?!”

Quickly, Benny and his entourage vanished into the crowds. But soon thereafter he could be found sampling taste portions at the Ricobenny’s and Buona Beef booths.

Benny also announced that, as president, Douglas would call upon the festival organizers to dedicate two days at the end of the festival for cats and dogs only.

“There is much food that is leftover after the Taste, and we know how much our felines and canines love leftovers—especially when it’s people food!”

Douglas Statement on Midwest Floods

Manx Party presidential catidate Douglas toured flood-stricken areas of Illinois and Iowa last week. He helped scratch sand into sandbags with his paws, and surveyed water damage.

“Cats hate water, and Douglas wants to make sure that cats and dogs who live along rivers have safe homes. He also is upset to hear that farm animals are being abandoned. No animal should be unsafe because of floods. The Douglas-Benny administration will make sure of this,” a prepared statement read.

Skinny boy Douglas also responded to comments made by managers of the rock group Chicago that they wanted to play at a projected Demo-cat inauguration. “We have invited them to play ‘I’m a Manx’ at the upcoming Manx Party Convention.”

”Size doesn’t matter”—Douglas-Benny

While delivering a speech to a group of businessmen, John McCairn Terrier once again taunted the Douglas-Benny ticket. On stage, while pointing to a Dyson upright vacuum cleaner on the table behind him, McCairn said:

”My friends, how can Americans expect my feline opponents to face up to the terrierists if they can’t face a vacuum cleaner? How can they fight our enemies if they turn tail and run?”

Late Friday afternoon, the Douglas-Benny catpaign replied to McCairn’s remarks in a statement.

”McCairn’s comments, attempting to make physical size an issue, are unfortunate. Are we to believe that McCairn would remain standing, idly, in the middle of the street as a roaring bus headed straight towards him? Of course not. That would be extremely foolish. Yet, because of Douglas and Benny’s smaller stature, he mocks them for doing the equivalent of what he’d do in the same situation.”

”Douglas and Benny may be smaller in size, but their stature on the global stage will be respected and admired—not because of their physical dimensions, but because of the the leadership they will bring.”

”McCairn will be sorry when Douglas and Benny ’sweep’ the election in November!”

As a side note, the catpaign claims that, if elected, they will ask Congress to impose much stricter noise controls on vacuum cleaner producers AND bus companies, so as to make them ”pet- and people friendly”.

Douglas Clinches Manx Party Nomination; Sends Best to Ted Kennedy

Following Manx Party primary victories in West Virginia, Kentucky, and Oregon, the Douglas-Benny ticket now has enough pledged delegates for the nomination. The whole world will be watching when the black cat duo is formally nominated at the Manx Party convention at the Chicago Hilton and Towers this summer.

A Douglas spokesperson also passed along Douglas’ best wishes for Massachusetts senator Ted Kennedy. “Senator Kennedy has served the Boston Terrier community well over the past decades, and he’s also been a great friend of the Irish Setters, Water Spaniels, Terriers, and Wolfhounds. Like the Manx, the Irish never quit, and Douglas is sure that Ted will come out of this latest setback fighting. Douglas is sending him some Lucky Charms marshmallows.”

Ben Again: Indiana Supports Another Manxie

Indiana native Douglas, and his running mate Benny, swept the Indiana Manx Party primary this evening. The furry pair were also leading in North Carolina.

Benny, visiting French Lick, Indiana, gave the crowd his trademark “Hell-oo!” and had his spokesperson read a statement. “Twenty years ago, Indiana sent a Manxman, Dan Quayle, to the office of Vice President. He didn’t make either Indiana or the Manx look very good. But Benny will! We hope you will all continue to support the Manx Party through the November election. Vote Manx! Vote Douglas-Benny for New Littership as we Put a Black Cat in the White House!”

The Manx Party duo will be planning summer strategies over the next few weeks.

Hoosier Favorite Cat, Indiana?

Manx Party presidential catidate, and native Hoosier, Douglas kicked off his Indiana catpaign today in his owner’s hometown of Culver. He visited Cafe Max, renamed Cafe Manx for the day, and enjoyed some orange juice and marshmallows.

“We’re thrilled to be here on the banks of Lake Manx-inkuckee. Douglas wants to see every homeless cat and dog find homes,” said Douglas’ owner. “He knows that too many pets can’t answer the question: Hoosier owner? Let’s make sure all these cats and dogs get adopted, and that you all vote Manx in the upcoming primary. And I know all of you, too, so we’ll be checking!”

Douglas and his owner later visited the stables of the famed Black Horse Troop, chasing away some mice, before stopping in South Bend to shake paws with Notre Dame students and wish them a better football season next year.

Bennymania in Pennsylvania!

A Pennsylvania resident casts his write-in vote on Tuesday

VP catidate Benny provided the Manx Party with a sweep of the Keystone State today in Pennsylvania’s primary election.

The Douglas-Benny duo had, for weeks, been challenging the spouting-off of the the Repub-lick-can catidate John McCairn Terrier in particular. McCairn several times taunted both Douglas and Benny. In recent weeks, McCairn’s antics have tailed-off.

The big Manx Party primary win puts Douglas and Benny in a good position to stage victories in Indiana and in North Carolina. Douglas hails from the Hoosier state, and the catpaign says that Douglas feels very lucky that he will experience all of Indiana’s many charms.

Bennys Meet in Nation’s Capital

 

“Benny” offers Benny his favorite treats, as he mimics Benny’s favorite pose

WASHINGTON- Pope “Benny” (Benedict XVI) today praised America as a land of opportunity and hope as he celebrated the first public Mass of his U.S. pilgrimage, but he lamented that the nation’s promise fell short for blacks, Indians and felines. Hope for the future, he said, “is very much a part of the American cat’s character.”

Tens of thousands of worshippers and their pets filled Washington Nationals Park on a clear spring day and cheered both Bennys as they arrived in Benedict’s white popemobile, standing in the back and waving. The crowd grew to 46,000 (not including about 32,000 cats and dogs), and the demand for tickets doubled the supply, organizers said.

In brilliant spring sunshine, the pope walked down from the altar to offer Manx Party vice-presidential catidate Benny some Goodlife Recipe Beef & Chicken Blends treats— Benny’s favorite —near the end of Mass. Benny came running for the good taste of Goodlife Recipe Wholesome Delights Brand treats.

“Americans and their pets have always had hope,” he said during his homily. “Benny’s ancestors came to this country from the Isle of Man with the experience of finding new freedom and opportunity… and treats. And they told their tales —sorry, Benny— of finding nice, juicy mice.”

“To be sure, this promise was not experienced by all the inhabitants of this land; one thinks of the injustices endured by the native American peoples, by those brought here forcibly from Africa as slaves, or the defenseless animals shot and killed for ‘sport’, or abandoned on the streets without food or shelter.”

Pope Benny stopped short of blessing the Manx presidential ticket with a full-fledged endorsement.

 

Pittsburgh Says: Douglas Needs Elected N’at

Manx Party presidential catidate Douglas made a campaign stop at a Jynt Iggle store near dahntahn Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania yesterday. Wearing a Terrible Towel, Douglas ate some chipped chopped ham and some Snyder’s Potato Chips, along with a LadyLock. He drank out of the spicket after some nebbynosed people noticed he hadn’t scrubbed his teeth.

“Like the Stillers, Douglas is a winner,” said a local spokesperson. “Plus, he has black fur and gold eyes, and his owner speaks Pittsburghese because her family is from Ahia. Hopefully, by THANKSgiving, he and Benny will be in the White House, and Kaufmans will be back dahntahn.”

Douglas later visited Carnegie-Mellon University, wearing his Douglas tartan, and then stopped at the FedEx office near Coraopolis before flying out of Aliquippa with several bags of Snyder’s for his owner.